Clothing Optional

So we live in Europe where nudity is acceptable. Actually, they don't have the nekkid issues we do. Completely nude spas, oh and they are co-ed. Topless sunbathing. Men in barely-there speedos. So ok. You get used to the porn on television after 10pm. You stop gawking at the porn plastered on the screens at the bars. It becomes part of the culture. You learn to deal.

(Enter stage left- The Princess)

She is acclimating quite well to this new culture. She is a nudist.

There I said it. I should feel better facing the truth but NO I don't feel better.

She would rather be naked. She said so herself. She doesn't like clothing. She doesn't particularly like underwear.

This is really scary! She's built quite shapely (much to mine and her Dad's chagrin) and she has legs that seem to stretch across the Atlantic. We won't even talk about her bubble butt, which used to be SOOOO cute when she was 4 and now at 17 I wish I could lop off with a spork!

She walks around the house in her bra and underwear. She forgets to close her blinds when she is dressing. She HAS NO FRIGIN' SHAME! She was walking around in her underwear last weekend when our friend's 15 year old walked into our hotel room. He was all dumb struck and stuttery, she was all "it's like a bathing suit bottom anyways".


Really??? Seriously??? Do you know how awkward that apology is? Went something like this:

Me: "Oh yea....sorry J. I don't know what she was thinking when D came in and she was in her t-shirt and underwear?"

J: awkard laughter "it's whatever! She is right it is like a bathing suit bottom."


Next day. Family football. Our family versus theirs. Princess in spanks and that's it. No one else knew she was free jaying but I did. That was enough.


I sit here shaking my head thinking when did I start raising a nudist? When did my sweet innocent little monkey turn into this alien from planet Teendom?

The worst part is that she isn't coy about it. She isn't flaunting or flirty with her body image. She is just comfortable with who she is and that is great. That is what makes this whole thing so difficult! Do I condone this newfound freedom or do I squash her self-image and tell her nudity is wrong? There has to be a happy medium. We won't even get into the options she has for clothing these days. Talk about parading around damn near naked. Clothing options for teens are either booty shorts or short booty shorts.

Fuck. {insert frustration and confusion here}

I should've seen it coming when she was 3. She loved streaking. She would rip her underwear off and run around the house "nakey." She would shriek with laughter and tell me "Look Ma, I nakey! Look my hiney ma!"


Yea... I should have stopped it then. Oh wait! I did.

Advice is WELCOMED here! 

Don't forget to VOTE BELOW!

*Like it when you read...love it when you comment!* 

 If you like my blog please CLICK here! It takes ONE extra second, but it means the world to me!

Top Shelf Food

I LOVE to eat. I enjoy cooking and finding new recipes, and I'm a pretty damn good cook as well. I love to try new foods. I love traveling to new places and heading to an off-the-beaten path restaurant. So you could safely say food is an essential part of my happiness. Hence the extra pounds I am trying to shed, but that is not the point here. 

What I don't enjoy about food is how I ALWAYS manage to miss my mouth at least once during a snack, meal or other face stuffing experience. It never fails. It's rarely the first few bites. Those bites usually makes it in intact. Probably because I am shoveling it in.


However, somewhere after like the 4th or 5th bite I either grow a hole in my chin or the distance from the plate to my mouth somehow changes by like π  squared. Maybe it's greed or hunger, or fear that someone will reach into my plate and start nibbling away at my treats.  At this point I usually miss my mouth. 

This wouldn't be so funny if I was 6 months old and still wearing a bib. It wouldn't be so bad if it fell on the napkin in my lap or hell back on the plate would work too!

NOOOOO. It always lands on the "top shelf", as hubby calls it. 

Women with C cups or better know what I am talking about. There must be a magnet that women with large boobs have that creates a gravitational pull forcing food, drink, and all other staining items right down onto this black hole. It's annoying and sometimes embarrassing. 

Within the last week I have had two embarrassing incidents with Top Shelf Food.

The other morning Hubby made breakfast. Awesome scrambled eggs with all kinds of fresh veggies and cheese in them. Delish! I'm shoveling eggs in my face and next thing you know a bit of the scrambled eggs drops between my boobs. Now mind you its Sunday morning and I hadn't bothered with a "real" bra, so I am in a sports bra. Hubby rounds the corner to bring me juice and what does he see? My hand wrist deep between my tits fishing out eggs. I'm trying to clean up and he thinks its an invitation to explore. Maybe he thought he was being helpful. Who knows?

What's he do? He dives in, motorboat first to get some "egg flavored boobies." Thank goodness the kids were all done with their breakfast and scattered to the four winds. What a morning treat that would have been? Dad head first in Mom's boobs cleaning up the "egg flavored boobies."

This top shelf food can be unpredictable! 

Another incident happened in a restaurant. So there we were on Friday night eating at a restaurant in this military friendly resort. Now mind you, it had been one of the most horrific drives I had experienced in a while. After a 4.5 hour drive turned into 7 hrs, we were ready for a meal. The ONLY restaurant available to us was a very American one in the resort. I decide to order a burger with fries, because it was the only thing on the menu I thought they couldn't fudge up. WRONG.  But neither here nor there. 

I'm sitting there eating our appetizer of stale chips and weak salsa. And I drop a chip. 

I look on the floor. Not there. 

Look on the table. Nope.

I look between my legs. Still nothing. 

So I do what any other like minded individual would do, I reach for another chip thinking maybe I was losing my mind about having dropped a chip. Until I go to stuff another one in my mouth, and VOILA! There is the lost chip, right on the top shelf perched on my shirt between both boobs. 

I quickly extract the Lost Chip from no man's land and glance up to see if Hubby is watching. What do you think? 

Busted! He chuckles and says "I was watching you to see if you would find that chip."

"Really? You're watching me search for a chip that is sitting on my tits? Thanks babe!"

Lucky for me he decided that motor boating my boobs wasn't appropriate in a restaurant. ;)

Do you have a funny Top Shelf Food story? Please share! I would love to hear that I am not the only one dropping all kinds of crap onto my chest. 

*Like it when you read...love it when you comment!* 

I made it to the list for Top Mommy Blogs! Now I need your votes! So please click on this link to vote for me!

Waging a War

Yup, I'm waging a war. A prolonged, aggressive conflict between two countries or states resulting in possibly complete destruction of one or both.

Yea that about sums it up. I have declared war on the f-ing pigeons who have decided to take up residence in the beams of my rented German A frame house.

Now it seems dramatic that I would call this a war. However, when you see the pictures of what these fuckers are doing, you will agree that war is the only solution.

There will be casualties, and people may get hurt. But I vow to make my home safe from the pigeons who have moved in.

So let's back this up about 8 months ago when we moved in. The pigeons were here. We realized that where they have made their nest was virtually impossible to reach. No ladder could reach that high and the attic window doesn't open.

Those options were a bust. Despite our desire to get them out of that area, we let them be because the pigeon poop was falling below on rocks and not really making too big a mess.

So they stayed there. All of what remained of summer. All through fall. Even through the winter.

This spring they had babies. Still nesting in the tallest part of the frame of the house.

Then I guess the bitchy female pigeon decided she wanted a new nesting place for this year. And they parked themselves on one of the lower rafters of the house.

This is a problem. This is a HUGE problem.

The lower beam they have parked themselves on is directly in the pathway into the house. Their shit falls directly below in high traffic area. Look at what they are doing.

So the pigeon poop is landing on my mailbox and the ground below. Not to mention that when cars are parked side by side in the driveway, one of the vehicles is in the direct line of the shit bombs. I made the mistake of parking my brand new car on that side only to come out the next morning to find beautiful white pigeon droppings on my Deep Sea Blue car.

You would think pigeon poop on my new car would be the last straw. Nope. The final straw was the planter you sorta see in the picture above. It has the most amazing purple flowers I have ever seen. The color can only exist in nature because Crayola can't even perfect this color. Anyways....It was close to but not directly in the line of poopsville. But these fuckers managed to shit on my plant anyways!

My beautiful flowers they are attempting to shit on!

THAT'S IT! I have decided the pigeons MUST GO!

I have tried hosing down their nest, to no avail. My water stream doesn't reach that high. I wind up soaked with them cooing nasty messages at me.

I've tried Alka Seltzer. They aren't eating it and the rain is dissolving it into my flower beds.

I am not sure what else to do. So I have enlisted the assistance of a mercenary. A friend of ours just got his latest AirSoft gun, and I think that is the next step in this war.

Before I go Rambo on these pigeons, if you have a better solution to get them to move and not hurt them....I'm all ears. Suggest away. I will try it. If you have any ideas on how to spook them, or can think of a way to get them outta there, PLEASE PLEASE let me know.

Otherwise I see no other alternative.

This shit has to end.

I'll get you and your buddies!

*Like it when you read...love it when you comment!* 

I just made it to the list for Top Mommy Blogs! Now I need your votes! So please click on this link to vote for me!

Justin Bieber, Chocolate and Beating off

Bear is a rare breed of a boy. Or at least I think so. He generally doesn't participate in the group teasing that is common at age 11. That's not to say the he doesn't tease because I have heard him, but it's a one-on-one ball busting sorta thing. Bear can also be hypersensitive about being teased which makes the fifth grade a bit more challenging for him. As of late, the girls have been ruthless. Teasing him from everything to his hair cut, his unibrow (which he is kinda hairy), to his last name (which we share with a popular fast food restaurant and a farmer).

I kept advising Bear to use his words. That a stinging comeback is just as powerful as flaying fists. He has engaged in neither.

Until a couple of days ago.

The story is a bit hazy to me because his story telling techniques need serious work. Either way he said he was being teased by another boy, and the boy was saying something to the effect of "This is Matt" while he rubbed his belly and patted his head. I am still not sure how this was teasing or even offensive, either way Bear wasn't happy with this taunting.

Under normal circumstances he would have walked away. Neither defending himself nor hurling an equally offensive remark back at the would-be bully. This day was different. On this day, Bear used his words. His comeback went something like this:

"Yea whatever. You think listening to Justin Bieber, eating chocolate and beating off is a party."


I want to say that I reprimanded him for using the term beating off. I would like to say that I stood there and gave him some clever speech about how it's wrong to say those things in school. But I didn't.

My jaw dropped, I gasped and then proceeded to belly laugh! I thought YES!  He is using his words! And that was a great friggin' comeback for an 11 year old!

Then the laughter stopped and the theme music playing in my head skipped.

"Do you know what beating off is?"


Exasperated sigh: "Yes Ma."


Deep sign of relief that I didn't have to explain this. Gasp!
"Did they know what beating off? Please tell me you didn't explain it."


Deeper sigh. "No. I didn't want them running to tell the teacher I was talking about."


Gasp again! Chuckle. "Thank you so much for that. I can only imagine that phone call or email." 


Then I went too far. I had to know exactly where my 11 year old was on this puberty scale, and if I had missed my opportunity to educate him. Not to mention what the next stage in our possible talks would be... I had to know something.

"Bear? You're not beating off, uh masturbating, right?"


"NO! But sometimes when I am on my X-box I make this sound (he starts slapping his hand on his forearm) and pretend I am." He chuckles! I laughed out of slight discomfort, but mostly amusement.


What do you say to that? Where do we go from here in the birds and bees conversation? Is this where I should evaluate my parenting? You know you are failing as a parent when.... your child uses the term beating off.  But dammit it still makes me chuckle.

*like it when you read....love it when you comment!*

Hey, It's Ok Tuesdays on Wednesday

Hello everyone! Hooking up with Amber at Airing My Dirty Laundry, One Sock at a Time to join in her Tuesday feature: Hey It's Ok.

----------------
Hey It's Ok...


To get the giggles when the only guy in my yoga class busts ass when we moved into the cat's pose. Yes I was the only who chuckled out loud.


To have not yet started finishing my graduate portfolio even though it's due the second week in April. Right?


To get pissy when I visit other blogs and they have the same background I do. I wind up wasting HOURS of my life attempting to change it, only to end up back where I was.


To get pissy-er when I am looking for new blog backdrops and all I keep finding is all this girly foo-foo crap.


To have found two new sites to obsess over: Pinterest & Budget Bytes. Love them!


To be losing so much hair in the shower that it looks like I crapped a small woodland animal. We won't talk about the chia pet that comes out of the drain when I clean it out.



To run errands in my work out clothes and still stinky from the gym. It keeps people at bay.



To be posting this on Wednesday because I forgot about it yesterday. :)





*I like it when you read....love it when you comment!*

It's Okay in Deutschland

Today I am linking up with the WhisperingWriter at Airing My Dirt Laundry, One Sock at a Time for "Hey, It's Okay Tuesday (or any day)." It's a hilarious blog and great fun to read! So today I am going to join her in listing the things that I am Okay with being Okay with. Okay?

-----------------------
Hey It's okay...

    ...that my house isn't 100% spotless. No one notices but me anyways.



    ...that I bought 4 different laundry detergents to get my laundry to smell like my friend Jill's laundry. See my son stayed over at her house for 4 days and loved the way his laundry smelled. So he asked me to get his laundry to smell "like Ms. Jill's does". Thanks Jill!



    ...that I miss my husband like crazy! I even miss him constantly groping and grabbing me, because that would mean that he was actually here.



   ....that I miss my DirecTv and DVR. I haven't watched real TV since we got here in July, and I miss American TV dammit!



   ...that I worked out for 140 minutes tonight only to top it off with a Popeye's biscuit. Seriously, who puts a Popeye's across the street from the gym? Only the Air Force.



   ...that I have grey hairs that my children think is hilarious to pluck out, and I let them. Vanity much?



   ...that I talked to my parents more now as a result of distance and Voxer than I ever did when we lived stateside. Feeling like a crappy daughter these days.



   ...that I miss my friends, my old job and my old house. I feel like a stranger in a strange land except I have my family and things with me. Wait doesn't that make it home now?



   ...that I was invited to attend a birthday party at the pub that I work at. The kicker is that I am working that night, so isn't attendance mandatory? Should I even RSVP?


   ...that I have to be in the top three for Bejeweled Blitz every week, and I work to make sure that I am.

And it's just the first week. ;)

   

 

Poopers Beware

So there we are walking down a side street in Garmisch, Germany and this sign is posted by a tree. I don't know what is more amusing the sign itself, or the fact that you have such a huge problem with pooping dogs that you actually have to post a sign to curb it. Now Germans, and probably Europeans in general, take their dogs everywhere. Pets go to stores, restaurants and more often you see pets out more than children. One evening we had a patron in the pub bring their dog. Oh by the way, they do order a bowl of water when they order their pint of beer. No not the dog, the owner!

So I guess a No Pooping Allowed sign is a good thing to have to remind our four legged friend's masters when they are allowed to poo. Oh and don't forget to scoop your poop.