Monday, January 7, 2013

Weight loss: EPIC FAIL

I do it every year. And every year I fail at it.

I started in December 2006. I lost a shit ton of weight by Spring 2007. Then summer happened, and I slowly packed it back on. Every year since then I have tried but I can't manage to finish it, much less keep it off.

Just look at my sparkpeople profile. It reads like a bad nightmare. Like a string of failed resolutions. Like groundhog day, every year.

Jan 2012: Here we go again! It seems every year I try to do this again, and every year I fail to some degree. Not this year. I found a workout buddy. I don't have the same level of work responsibilities. So I have decided to go big or go home. I tend to go home but not this time. I am training for a Triathlon! I have joined a local Biggest Loser contest and have joined several smaller challenges. I have a swim challenge at my local pool, and a circuit training challenge at the gym. So let's see if all these challenges can motivate me to a healthier lifestyle. 

April 2011: Ummm yea so I could literally copy what I wrote last May and it would read the same. What to do? Can't get motivated and skinny pictures are not motivating enough? HEEELLLPPP!! 

May 2010: So I haven't accomplished my goals since the last time I updated my SparkPage. I feel horrible and I can't express how disillusioned I am with myself. I ordered the DVD collection, Slim in 6 and I am planning to start Monday May 10. I will post here and show my progress. I want to leave my "skinny" pictures up for motivation. I am going to give it my all.... for real this time. 

January 2009: Ok, so it has been since January 2007, when I started this journey. I am now back at the 180lbs, on a good day. I can't do this anymore. I am going to join my Diva sisters and lose this crap for good! I am tired of feeling sick and tired! So here it goes, FOR GOOD! My new years' resolution is to resolve my weight issues and be a healthier me.... read below to see where I was....and where I hope to get back to! 

"My name is Melissa and last year I joined my Diva sisters in our move from BLC to SparkPeople. I was doing wonderfully! I had gone from 182lbs all the way down to 157lbs, at my lowest. Then summer came along! As a school teacher, summertime means leisure, hanging out and little structure. Needless to say I fell WAY off the wagon. Now I am back up to 179lbs and hating every bit of it, cursing myself for the lack of discipline and will power. BUT NOW I'M BACK! and I am going to achieve this goal and keep it off FOR GOOD!" 

WOW- that was my message to 'SELF' at the beginning of last year. Amazing that summer 2008 is here and I am still at the WHOPPING 175lbs. I am disappointed in my lack of follw through. So I am trying this AGAIN... because that is all I can do. I must push myself and see this through. I can't go through life feeling like a slug and justifying it to myself. SO let's see what I can do this summer!!! I am putting my money where my mouth is!! 

Horrid! I know. Look at my posts from last year about Finding Fitness.

It's all so depressing. 

The worst part is that I don't know how to break the cycle of the yo-yo. 

All I can do is start over, again and again. In the hopes that at some point it will stick and I will keep the healthy smaller version of me. 

Yeah. I am starting it again this year. I am starting the Biggest Loser again, like I did in 2007. Hopefully it will have that same boost effect it did last time. Only time will tell. Let's hope my BL sisters can help me, help myself to get to where I want to be. I'm tired of struggling to keep the weight off. It's emotionally exhausting. 

I start today. 

I'll keep you posted on the progress. 

*deep sigh*

Here is my profile description for the BL page. 

My Journey

My journey is not unique, it's like everyone else's who struggles with weight loss and gain. I woke up one day, looked at pictures and realized I had to make a change. And I did...that year.

It was winter 2006 and I had joined the Biggest Loser, trying to find someone, something to motivate me. I connected with a wonderful group of women, my Dynamic Diva Sisters. (I was formerly known as ArmeWfe.) Through early 2007 and into spring they pushed me through challenges that got me losing weight, and toning muscle. I went from 180 lbs down to 157 lbs at my lightest. Then our group moved to Sparkpeople, and for me it was downhill from there. Summer vacations, work schedules, children, deployments and life in general moved in a direction that saw me yo-yo-ing through different sizes and weights. Every year it was the same crap "I'll lose it this year!" "I'll train for (fill in the blank) this year." And every year it was the same disappointment. Every year it was the same excuses and and hard truths to face. That was every year until last year. We moved to Germany in summer 2011, and I no longer was working full-time. I had time, and less responsibilities and I found a friend. We started working out, training for a triathlon. At first it was hard, and then it was great. I was running 4 miles! Something I had NEVER done. We were swimming and biking. We started a hybrid of P90X and Insanity. The weight was coming off (not fast) but more importantly I felt healthy and I was stronger. Then summer happened, and traveling, and summer turned into winter and winter turned into more excuses.

Now it's a new year and I am promising myself all over again that I will get it together, and do it this time. Except I looked at my SparkPeople account, and I have said that every year since 2008 after I gained all my weight back. I haven't seen 157 lbs since early summer of 2007. I would like to see it again. I am hoping I will do it and make the habits stick this time.

The girls are back in town, my Diva Sisters, and we are back on the BL. Let's hope we can do this again. I did it last time with my girls and I have faith in their motivating capabilities. I am hopeful I will persevere this time.

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Why I hate New Year's Resolutions...but I'm making some anyways

Tis the season for New Year's Resolutions. I hate them.

I make them, but I hate them. 

See I never follow through on them. I haven't accomplished one yet. Well maybe one, but I can't think of it off the top of my head. I'm sure there is one resolution I completed.... fuck, what was it. Irrelevant. I digress... resolutions.

Then you have all these people who start posting quotes and pithy comments about success and failure going hand in hand. And shit about failing to try, and end of the road, and love lost and I just threw up in my mouth.

Nausea. Indigestion. Upset stomach. BARF!

New Year's resolutions drive me crazy. They really drive me bat shit crazy. 

Mostly because I suck at them. The worst part is that every year I make them. It's like I set myself up to failure. I make resolutions that I made in previous years, and I didn't finish/complete them then. What in fuck's sake makes me think I will complete them NOW??

So did I make any for this year? Of course. I am a glutton for punishment. BUT I am trying something different. I am making broad resolutions that don't have specific deadlines or measurements. 

Ambiguity is the name of the game this year. Yup! 

I have a few resolutions this year, but mostly I have a WORD that is going to define my actions. See that way I am not bound to the success or failure of a particular goal. I can say that I held to my word of the year. May not make a whole lot of sense, but it will make me feel better when at the end of 2013 I haven't failed miserably at goals I never had a chance of being successful at in the first fracking place.

The word for the year is Perseverance. How's that for a word?

Here are my vague New Year's statements. (Yea, resolutions seems so final with no room for error. Statements are changeable.)

1. Spend more time with my family. This should be easy since I rather like my hubby and kids. ;)

2. Travel more. Not hard since I love to travel and I am a self-proclaimed travel-whore. Done.

3. Take more pictures. As these are the last few months before The Princess leaves for college, I am going to be snapping the heck out of pictures. 

4. Get fit, again. It's the again part that kills me. See every start of a new year I start the weight loss process, and I do GREAT... until summer rolls around. Then I get caught up in summer, and I gain it back. Then fall and winter are nothing but a string of excuses, until the New Year. Then I am back at square one. Uggh. It's frustrating, but I will apply my word to this statement: persevere!

5. Worry less about the shit that doesn't matter. I will worry less about the things that I can't change, and the things that don't matter. There is no use in stressing over it. So let it go. 

I am stopping here. I think that is a reasonable amount of change. Besides, there is a lot that goes into each one of those, and I won't add statements just to have them. Again, I don't want to set myself up for failure. 


I got another one.

6. Don't set unrealistic goals. I will set goals that I can accomplish, even if it means I am taking baby steps towards a larger reality. 

There. That outta do it... for this year. 

What are your resolutions/statements/word for 2013?


Check out what I thought I was gonna accomplish last year. Here is my grade sheet:

To do list:
#1: F. Didn't complete the tri or half-marathon.
#2: D: I know a little more German and some Italian, but not enough to constitute "knowing" a 3rd language.
#3: I completed 3 scarves: A+  on that. No afghan: F.
#4: A++ Traveled my ass off this year.
#5: A++ Spent tons of time with kids and hubby!

Don't list:
#1: A+ Done. It was a truly drama free year. Well almost, but it was Hubby's ex-wife...totally not my fault.
#2: B-. I didn't beat myself up, but I did the yo-yo diet thing and I failed at #1 on the to-do.
#3 C-: They totally had chore cards, and I wasn't exactly the best at holding them to it.
#4 & #5: A. I totally had a good year in this department.

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