The Uniqueness of Military Friendships

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art...It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival." C.S. Lewis

As a MilSpouse, friendship is necessary to your daily survival in the world of PCS's, deployments and military life. Make no mistake establishing and maintaining friendships is not always an easy task. It can be difficult, scary, and even heartbreaking. Let's not forget rewarding, but most importantly it's essential to our survival through military life. In our world, no friends can equal no sanity. 

Building friendships is made more difficult because we don't have the luxury of permanence. It's not a word that is part of our military vernacular. You don't get to stay in the same neighborhood for years and watch your children grow up with the neighborhood kids. Your children don't have the luxury of staying in the same school system their entire educational career. You don't have the luxury of keeping the same job for more than a few years. Moving, changing, uprooting, new schools, new jobs, new units- that's permanent.  The only real constant is change. 

I've been a military spouse (on and off) for the last 20 years. I was young and naive when I said yes to the military, and I had no idea what to expect from this lifestyle. Hell, I'm not sure I even grasped the idea that it was a "lifestyle", and not just my spouse's career choice. Either way, my first move was from the town I call home (click here to understand) to hubby's duty station. It was at Fort Campbell that I made my first military friends. 

What makes these friendships unique? 

While not all MilSpouses form bonds and friendships in the same manner, I believe there are a few things that seem to be shared across the board. 

• The need for friends is more urgent.
• You give of yourself more freely because you understand that time is finite, and everything is short lived.
• Every duty station presents it's own challenges, which force you to look for friends to fulfill different needs. 
• Every new move and new duty location is the passage of the last one, and along with it, the change in dynamics of those friendships left behind.
• Mourning those losses requires the hope of new relationships. 

It's because of this that military friendships are a breed of friendships unto themselves. 

Quick, Fast, and in a Hurry

Let's face it, military families are at a duty station for 3-4 years, 5 or 6 if we're lucky. We need to spend time with someone other than our spouse and kids. 

We need to be able to have a lunch date, or dinner, or drinks, or shopping, or anything seemingly adult- like in nature.

We need to have other moms and dads to vent to about our kids. We need to listen to their horror stories, helping us to realize that our hellions aren't really all that bad. We need to get advice from other moms who have "been there, done that."

We need to feel connected and part of a community. It's the only way to make this new location really feel like home. It's what will make the time meaningful and lasting, for us and for our families.

If we wait too long to make friends, it will be PCS time and we'll be moving again. Or worse, we'll have a deployed spouse and no friends. Trust me- that's not fun. 

So we make friends and fast. As MilSpouses we don't have the luxury of getting to know people over the course of years. It's like speed dating. We let ourselves hang out there in the hopes that we will make connections and friendships that will last, if not last, at least help us cope and survive. 

Open Books

Since time is of the essence in building these friendships, we I tend to be an open book. What you see, is what you get. This MilSpouse doesn't have time to deal with false niceties and pretenses. I want to know if you are someone I can spend time with and be myself. 

I want to know that you share my parenting values, that we have things in common, that you like to drink wine and/or beer. (Wine and beer are important things to find out in the speed friending rounds!)

I want to know if our kids get along. 

I want to know if our husband will 'play nice' together as well. 

For this reason, I'm open and honest, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. I can't afford not to be me, or to see you for you. "Ain't nobody got time for that!" 

I find many MilSpouses are open, honest, and welcoming. They are willing to let you in and form lasting bonds.

Understanding the Demands

We understand that every duty station presents its own demands, and requires adjustments. Because we know this, military friendships are understanding. They are flexible. They are just what the doctor ordered at that particular assignment. 

We are like the old psychic hotlines! We have experienced so much over the course of military lives that we either have the been there done that shirts, or we know a friend who had it happened to them. We know what it's like to have to find new schools for our children. We know what it's like to have a husband deploy for 6 months or 16 months. 

There is an inherent understanding of the way our lives operate that makes it easier to relate and connect with another.

So long, farewell and goodbye 

Goodbyes are inevitable. In our lives, they are as sure as the sun rising. 

It's the three letters that will change the dynamics of military friendships: PCS. You know the moving truck will come, packers will box everything, and you can expect a stay at lodging or a hotel as you transition from one post to the next. 

Along with moving trucks, comes the long string of goodbyes that seemingly takes days to complete. You also know that some of these goodbyes are permanent.

There are friends you positively know you will see again. You will speak often, and even plan to vacation with them in the future. 

There are those friends that you will miss, but you also know that time and distance will change your friendship. You know the friendship was meaningful and lived its life to the fullest, but will no longer be with you. You know that Facebook and other social media will allow you keep in touch with all the people you have met along the way, but you know that few will remain truly close. Its not personal, it's the nature of this life.

It's the nature of military friendship, they are meant to help us through and to allow us to connect, but not all are meant to last.  When we get to the new location, we mourn those losses. We miss our friends. We miss our old life. Mourn it, you're we're allowed to. 

And that's ok. There are new friendships on the horizon of a new state, new location, new assignment, new life. It was beautiful while it lasted, and this too shall be a great adventure. 

The bottom line is I disagree with C.S.Lewis. Friendship is essential to the survival of the military spouse, and military life. I can't think of a single MilSpouse that ever made it through on their own. Our identities are tied to the variety of people who have touched us throughout the tenure of our military lives. Embrace the friendships, they are the key to survival.

60 Day Challenge

So of course, you know I am obsessed with losing weight. Ok so obsession is a bit harsh, but it does seem like an obsession because I can't let go of the idea that I'm not the best me that I can be. Anyways, I have posted quite a few time that I'm starting over and trying again. Usually it's January and it's some stupid resolution. Blah blah blah. I also start and never finish. We seem to have a pattern here, huh?

Well now I am starting again, in April, right before summer break, and I am hoping that this will work. After arriving here stateside, I have effectively gained 15 lbs. Ouch! I know, I know. Totally self-inflicted. I get it!

I was recently asked by an old friend to join this 60-day weight loss, life-style altering challenge. She claimed the program she was using actually worked for her. Now mind you, she is slender and really probably could have lost 5 lbs calibrating her scale, I mean that is how small she is, but oh well. As it was, I was already looking into purchasing the Shaun-T T25 program, which is part of the Beachbody line, so it seemed like a win win for me! I joined the challenge, purchased the DVDs and joined the FB page.

This week starts the prep week of the 60-day challenge.  The group and coaches are getting everyone in the mindset, helping us in understanding the programs, and offering helpful hints to keep everyone on track. It really seems like it will be a supportive group. I created my first YouTube video in order to introduce myself and well I'm not working, have time, and have minimal excuses. It's now or never folks. 

At any rate, I plan on posting my daily food, exercise journal here. Let's see how that goes. I'm trying to stay accountable to the group and myself. I even have my best friend in PA joining in on the exercise with me! It should be exactly what I need! 

I'll keep you posted! Here is to post #1 on the road to the Challenge.

My new job: Learning Coach

Yup. That's me. Learning Coach extraordinaire.

Mom by morning. Learning Coach by day. Exhausted by night.

Lather. Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

What's a learning coach you ask? It's any adult (usually mom) who facilitates learning via virtual lessons and school, while still doing more or less what a homeschool teacher/mom does.

Let's start at the beginning......

First, a recap of my anal retentive tendencies...I'm a researcher. Not only do I love to do it, it soothes my angst and worry, especially during a pending PCS (Permanent Change of Station- military speak for "fuck me! we are moving again!"). I researched my ass off about schools, the local housing and job markets, and as much as I could about the area.

What I found was disturbing. Schools were not the best in the immediate county of the new Army post, with state tests being the barometer for success. Hey I don't decide this, your our lovely government officials seem to think success is directly linked to some stupid test the kids are prepped all year to take. Never mind the fact that teachers teach to the test, but I digress.

So, blah blah... scores were shitty in the area that we really wanted to live in. Odd occurrence given the fact that 3 major companies are located within spitting distance of the area: Gulfstream, Mitsubishi and JCB. Oh wait, and the housing market has houses in this area that command upwards of $350, 000 homes. Ludicrous! The neighboring counties had better schools, but in one of them the housing market was even higher, if you can believe that. In some instances rent increased by $400-600. Yeah.  In the other county, it seemed rural and from what I could see the drive hubby would have to endure would be difficult.

Lotsa research. No assuaging of fears. Minimal options. And the PCS is right in the middle of the school year which doesn't allow for a huge margin of error. So I keep looking.

In this research I find Georgia Cyber Academy. Hear the choir of angels? Well it was a life saver. It was a virtual public school system open for any student living in Georgia. Hmmm.... keep talking.
The sample lessons online and the information they provided was a huge plus for me, because it allowed me to see exactly what we were getting into. I thought it was a great idea! Online schools, interactive lessons, point and click assessments, and even Blackboard collaborative classrooms where the kids received direct instruction from an actual certified teacher! Winning!!!!!!

What more could you want? School in your underwear or jammies. Wait isn't that always the bad dream? Either way, it was a win win. So I thought.  Now if you know my child, you know he is a computer/gaming geek. He is a techie. I'm thinking attending a public school that's virtual, with no building that he had to wake up and to go, and no real set schedule- well I thought that was right up his alley.

Yea. No.

Week one could have been Navy Seals Buds Training for all the torture it was. He whined and moped and literally cried about the amount of work he was doing. Mind you, it was from 8:45am until about 3:00 or so and no homework! The lessons were no longer than a 55-65 minute class session, and the activities were incorporated right into the assignment/learning.

By Friday I was ready to kill him. On Saturday we went out and got him all he needed so that he could attend the regular local middle school. Let's see how that works for ya big guy!

It didn't. He went there for 1 day. I left the school crying when I left him (fodder for another post- How Shitty My Experience Was at West Chatham Middle), and he walked out at 2:45pm damn near in tears. Between unruly students in Math and the teacher continuing to teach through the disruptions, to a fight in science class, and eventually kids upending chairs in a classroom. I think he got his first real taste of how the other half lives- you know the half that attend crappy public schools. This speaks nothing of the crappy attitudes I had dealt with that morning in Guidance department.  We withdrew him and took back his school uniforms. Thankfully Wal-Mart was friendlier in their return policy than the school staff had been to us on our first day.

Score one in the winner's column for GCA. He promised he would make it work until the next school year.


And that is how I became the Learning Coach.


We are about a month into this adventure, and some days I want to bash my head, or his, against the table. Some akin to the scene in True Lies with Arnold Schwarzenegger, where he is riding in the car with the used car sales man, and he head slams the salesman's head into the steering wheel. Go watch it and you'll understand. *wink*  I haven't caused him harm, yet, and by the looks of it we should make it until May 23rd, which is the official last day of school.

I do have to say, it's a nice change of learning/teaching modality. It really syncs up nicely with our current generation's need for tech-y things all the time and the "right now" mode at which they process everything. They still have books and many of the supplemental activities take place offline, which allows me to interact with Bear while he is doing some active learning. I hate to admit this, but I think I like it more than the traditional brick and mortar- it's what we call the old fashioned building. *snort*  On top of all of that GCA, does a great job at trying to incorporate "field trips" or outside learning opportunities. We will be attending a Science event in our area next month and it takes us out to the coastal areas to learn about the local environment. Oh did I mention that it counts as "classroom" time? Too cool!

All in all, I'm happy we had an alternative for schooling- many people don't and are stuck sending their kids to sub standard schools, wondering what's next for their child. I'm truly blessed that right now our lives permit me the time and space to make this work. I can't imagine trying to do this 10 year ago.

Georgia Cyber Academy and k12.com- I'm giving you a 2 thumbs up!



Oh and GCA, I'm also giving you my résumé and filling out an application for the 2014-2015 school year. How about a job next year?

Click on the banner above to VOTE!!

Not so flexible

This post has taken me 10 days to finish. Here it goes:


Ok so Hubby has returned from Afghanistan. Life is good right? Well sorta. I'm thrilled he is home! Actually more than thrilled. It feels right for him to be home. To have him to converse with and to hang out with.

Love it. Wouldn't trade it.

Then what is the but you hear in this post? My routine.

It's really pretty simple. I wake up and get the kids off to school. Really I just get the 11 year old off to school because at 17 The Princess can handle this small task. Then I come home and work out. After I work out it's fair game. Schedule is pretty open for errands, house cleaning, laundry, whatever pretty much needs to get done.

It works for me and I'm happy for the most part. It also allows me quite a bit of freedom since I work 3-4 nights a week at a local pub.

Since hubby has been back I feel like I can't get my schedule back together. There seems to be a monkey wrench in my daily routine. I don't want to say its him but I think his presence is throwing me off.

The worst part is that I am raving bitch when my schedule gets hijacked and especially if I miss my workouts. I enjoy the pain and the sweat but more importantly I enjoy the feeling of accomplishment that I have once I am done with a really intense workout. I feel like I can do anything.

These past few weeks with him home have been brutal on scheduling. I really am trying not to take it out on him but we are having a serious adjustment period. Funny thing is that this is the SHORTEST deployment we have EVER had in our military life together. So what is the issue?

One word: ME.

I have become so much less flexible. I am not sure why, but I am. I think its because I don't have the routine of a full-time job and therefore I do have more time on my hands. But that should make me more flexible and it isn't. The whole thing is getting frustrating.

The worst part is that he is trying. He is trying to reintegrate himself into our schedule and he is trying to take up some slack. He has been great at fixing dinner, helping with laundry and this Friday he even helped me clean.

So yea, the problem is me. Now for the solution. I need to go with the flow more and stop being so rigid. I am trying that on for size. I didn't work out today, and I didn't get all stark raving mad on him. We sat and watched movies and I ate and slept and we had a nice rainy day. Completely unscheduled and out of routine. And I did well.

Thanks Hubby for being a patient human being. I know I wouldn't deal with my own shit, so thanks for putting up with it. :)

http://quantumlearningblog.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/learning-flexibility.jpg

A BCS Move (blog change of station)

Not really life altering, but blog altering. So there I was thinking of ways to improve my blog and make it more user friendly for my readers and me. I thought I would sort my blogs by topics. GREAT IDEA! *crowd cheers* Guess what though? Blogspot/Blogger doesn't have the capacity to do that. You can create pages...and I did. But then I realized that they are static. Meaning I can have one entry on it, not multiple entries like you can on the home page. Lovely!

Now my options are to continue as is, after I invested all the time and effort in making my blog feel right. OR I can uproot my blog and move it to another hosting site. Which means re-doing the entire blog and it not looking the same. Not feeling the same.... basically PCS-ing my blog for you military folks. You know how long it takes to settle in after a PCS (Permanent Change of Station). Sheeshhh....it will take me that long to settle in after a BCS (blog change of station).

Uggh... its frustrating, and I am at a loss. Of course the more I post on here, the more I am going to want to just leave it here. Figures.

93 days and counting

I don't like to complain. Truth is someone always has it worse, and people don't like whiners. Hell, I don't like whiners, but today my Soldier Boy left to serve God and country. I said my good-byes and gave hugs and kisses. I didn't cry this time. This time was different. He is deploying for a mere 93 days. Many people would balk at being separated from their spouse for 3 months. Many spouses have never spent that much time away from their other halves. As a military wife, 93 days is a drop in the bucket. Short enough to live through, long enough to miss him.  Yes I am missing him already.

I'm grateful though that I have my children and work friends to help me through the next 93 days. We have made it through twice as long, and I have no doubt that we will make it through this one.

I decided that I would use this time to train up for something I have been wanting to do for years. I want to do some sort of triathlon or mud run or half-marathon. So I am training up and getting in shape while he is gone. Hopefully he will come back to a new and improved me. I hope 93 days is long enough to accomplish that goal. We will see how that goes.....

Life in Deutschland

Well we made it! My last post was MONTHS ago, and one might begin to wonder if we set sail to Deutschland, but we did. I must say that the process of settling into a new state can be challenging, well try a new country. Now I like to think of myself as a woman of worldly views, educated and informed, never mind that my profession as a high teacher and mother of a teen keeps me in touch with the "hip" stuff. HOWEVER, I might have overestimated my own cleverness. Instead of posting some horrifically long blog post that no one is going to read anyways, let's just take a couple of "for instances".
For instance #1: Finding a place to live. Momma never told me there would be days like this.
The U.S. military, in its attempt to provide some modicum of continuity for military children, tends to move its families in the summer. Makes sense, right? School is out and moving is a bit less stressful when you don't have to worry about children missing entire chunks of instruction. That being said, it also means that transient traffic in and out of a base if quite hectic and people are trying to move and vacate homes while others are trying to snatch up the nicer places to live. Snatch being the operative word here. So in Germany they don't place FOR RENT signs anywhere, and you don't have the traditional* Realtor/Rental Agencies. (Traditional will be used to denote anything that is 'typical' in America.)Rental agencies WILL help you find a place to live and they advertise, but what they don't tell you is that it will cost you up to one month's rent in finder's fees. Even if you found them in a newspaper!  So how do you go about finding a place? The newspaper printed for the American community, and the ONE website that is approved by the base housing agency. Yup....just one website. Now mind you the Kaiserslautern Military Community (KMC) is the LARGEST U.S. military community outside of the United States. You would think that they would operate or encourage the operation of more than one website. Nope! So now you have couple hundred, maybe a thousand or so families moving every summer and one website to support the house hunt. You can imagine my frustration and despair. So we looked, and looked, and looked. We saw houses that were the size of shoe boxes with rooms no bigger than coffins. We looked at spacious homes on great lots of lands that were in villages so small and remote we would be lucky to see a plow go through the town during the winter. We arrived to view homes, get excited about the location and outside of the house, only to be told that the appointment RIGHT before ours rented the home. The nightmare continued for an entire month before we were forced to settle on home. How were we forced? The temporary lodging the military we were in was only open for 30 days. With luck and God on our side, we made a last ditch effort to find something and JACK POT! We find something that met our size, price and distance requirements. Now here I sit just 7 minutes to base, in a comfortable home that doesn't feel like something out of some bad 70's porn with shag carpets and wood paneling. It could always be worse....
For instance #2: Trash Trivia
Seems like a cool game? Something one might play with friends and adult libations? Guess again. In order to dispose of trash you have to sort through it. Not all trash is created equal. Here in Deutschland we segregate based on post trash usefulness. Almost every home has no less than 3 outside trash bins, each a different color, each picked up on different Mondays of the month. So to keep things simple I have 3 trash bins in my kitchen. We have the recyclables bin. A mere stand holds in place a yellow see-through plastic bag (provided for you down at the local town hall), where we sort all plastics, cans, styrofoam, cartons, and anything that contains a material that can be recycled. These bags are collected once every two weeks, and they are put out curbside for collection. No bin necessary. The next bin is for cardboard or paper. So newspapers, magazines, anything that is cardboard but not carton. So yes to the empty pizza boxes, but no to the milk carton. This has a HUGE bin outside and its collected only ONCE a month. Ummm... yes it gets pretty full by the end of the month. The last two categories that we should have is bio-waste and restmull. Bio-waste is biodegradable trash that they can use for compost. We have the option of composting ourselves or putting it in a bio-bin and they haul it off every other week. We don't have that bin and trying to talk to our German/Russian speaking landlord is incredibly difficult. So we don't bother with the bio trash. Then you have restmull, or reject trash. Amongst the trash caste system, this is the lowest of trash. These items can neither be recycled or composted, and so its incinerated. Collected once every other week, this trash has a tendency to get a bit ripe before they pick it up. What I find the most amusing is this is the smallest of bins and the idea is that you will have sorted through so much of your other trash that the Restmull or rest of it should be minimal. Good thinking! Except maybe we could use a class in sorting trash, because talk about having to reprogram children into sorting through ALL their trash. We have also gone more natural in our cooking to avoid mountains and mountains of trash. We figured the less trash we consume they less we put out.
For instance #3: Miscellanea
The Wal-Mart detoxs. Need I say more? When you are used to one stop shopping and everything you could possibly think of contained in one store, its hard to find yourself in a base exchange where off brands are nonexistent and their idea of a sale is 10% off the Coach heels. Really? Who on a military salary wears Coach or Prada? Not this chic! Moving right along.... 110 voltage versus 220 voltage. You don't realize just how much runs on electric until you have to buy new appliances or buy a $100 transformer to run your 110v appliances off of, which can be an electric bill nightmare. Not that you would know because you don't get a monthly bill. They just estimate base on the previous year's usage. You pay an approximate cost and hope that you don't overuse because at the end of the year they read the meter and THEN you get a bill. It goes one of two ways: you get a refund for what you overpaid or you owe them money. I'll let you know how this turns out!

There is A LOT to get used to and so much to learn. I am adjusting and learning to roll with the punches, something I hadn't yet mastered. I am positive that by the time I leave Deutschland I will be a pro at going with the flow, because the alternative is drowning trying to fight the tide.

The Life of a Nomad

OK, so who am I kidding? A nomad? BAHA! Gypsy? Too pejorative. Homeless. Yes! That's more like it. Homeless. The mere sound of it brings a reaction of slightly hysterical laughter which thinly veils the flood of tears which beg for release. Yea yea, you hear the melodrama in that sentence, well it is true. I am on the verge of tears. Change that I can't control often does that to me. Tears and melodrama. Ok ok... I will get to the point. See I have been without a place to call "home" since June 29th, when the the moving company hauled off the last contents of my home. Since then I have been on an East Coast Tour, without the fan fare and groupies. We, and I say we, because at the time Harvey and Alex (hubby & step-son) were with me, drove to Savannah, GA. In the few days we spent here together, we had a blast. We toured Savannah by day and night, drank at the favorite spots, ate delicious food and saw a great Fourth of July fireworks display. Then Harvey took off to Germany and Alex went back to his mom. Matt (my youngest) and I took off to South Florida. Did I forget to mention my grandfather has been in and out of the hospital since mid June? Yes, that too. We stayed in Ft. Lauderdale visiting with my grandparents for a few days, and then Matt and I hit the trail again,  taking off to Key West. Another adventure... best saved for its own blog. Matt and I stayed there for about 5 days, then returned to Ft. Lauderdale. Visited with the old folks again, and stayed there for 3 days. Then Mom, Matt and I came back to Georgia. (Mom was already in Ft. Lauderdale.) Ok, so what's the problem you ask? Has it been fun? Yes. Have I had a roof over my head? Yes. Then what? I miss the idea of knowing that if I wanted to go home, there would be such a place that I could go home to. I don't have that! My home in Maryland has a few odds and ends that I need to dispatch from there, and my other suitcase is at a friend's in PA. My husband is in Germany, and he is living out of temporary military housing, and until tomorrow at 11am, my daughter is with her father. I, we, have no anchor at the moment, and I am feeling every bit of that lost at sea desperation. I'm trying to keep my wits so that I don't spread that frustration to the kids, but I am finding harder and harder to do. The bright spot you ask? Well Harvey is looking for a home for us and with any luck he may have one before the kids and I arrive in Germany on July 26th. Until then, home is where the heart is right? That isn't helpful either as my kids are scattered and my husband is in Germany. What I have left is hope. Hope that this move and these changes will be good and things will work themselves out, and I guess that will have to do.

Movers Mania

So for those that don't know, or perhaps in Geico fashion are living under a rock, we are moving to Germany in less than a month. The U.S. Army has done a phenomenal job of coming through and attempting to stagger out our shipment of our household goods. So shipment 1 went out and that was just the 1,000 lbs of 'things' that we would REALLY need when we first got there. Shipment 2 was two days later, and these items...well let's say they are in a better place, one that we will not see until we are done being overseas: long-term storage. Now we have the awesome task of sorting through the clothes we keep for the suitcases and then those that go with our other household goods, which we won't see until at best August 29th. Hopefully of 2011. So guess what I miss the most? My silly appliances! Yup! We put them in long term storage because good ol' Europe works on 220 volts and my Osterizer is a mere 110 volts. So that means all new appliances or slightly used...either way I have to get all new appliances. From a hair dryer to an iron all plug in devices will be 220 volts. Anyone want to fund the new life fund? How about the Prozac salt-lick fund? Because I think I am going to need it before this move is all done.