Monday, April 30, 2012

Top Shelf Food

I LOVE to eat. I enjoy cooking and finding new recipes, and I'm a pretty damn good cook as well. I love to try new foods. I love traveling to new places and heading to an off-the-beaten path restaurant. So you could safely say food is an essential part of my happiness. Hence the extra pounds I am trying to shed, but that is not the point here. 

What I don't enjoy about food is how I ALWAYS manage to miss my mouth at least once during a snack, meal or other face stuffing experience. It never fails. It's rarely the first few bites. Those bites usually makes it in intact. Probably because I am shoveling it in.

However, somewhere after like the 4th or 5th bite I either grow a hole in my chin or the distance from the plate to my mouth somehow changes by like π  squared. Maybe it's greed or hunger, or fear that someone will reach into my plate and start nibbling away at my treats.  At this point I usually miss my mouth. 

This wouldn't be so funny if I was 6 months old and still wearing a bib. It wouldn't be so bad if it fell on the napkin in my lap or hell back on the plate would work too!

NOOOOO. It always lands on the "top shelf", as hubby calls it. 

Women with C cups or better know what I am talking about. There must be a magnet that women with large boobs have that creates a gravitational pull forcing food, drink, and all other staining items right down onto this black hole. It's annoying and sometimes embarrassing. 

Within the last week I have had two embarrassing incidents with Top Shelf Food.

The other morning Hubby made breakfast. Awesome scrambled eggs with all kinds of fresh veggies and cheese in them. Delish! I'm shoveling eggs in my face and next thing you know a bit of the scrambled eggs drops between my boobs. Now mind you its Sunday morning and I hadn't bothered with a "real" bra, so I am in a sports bra. Hubby rounds the corner to bring me juice and what does he see? My hand wrist deep between my tits fishing out eggs. I'm trying to clean up and he thinks its an invitation to explore. Maybe he thought he was being helpful. Who knows?

What's he do? He dives in, motorboat first to get some "egg flavored boobies." Thank goodness the kids were all done with their breakfast and scattered to the four winds. What a morning treat that would have been? Dad head first in Mom's boobs cleaning up the "egg flavored boobies."

This top shelf food can be unpredictable! 

Another incident happened in a restaurant. So there we were on Friday night eating at a restaurant in this military friendly resort. Now mind you, it had been one of the most horrific drives I had experienced in a while. After a 4.5 hour drive turned into 7 hrs, we were ready for a meal. The ONLY restaurant available to us was a very American one in the resort. I decide to order a burger with fries, because it was the only thing on the menu I thought they couldn't fudge up. WRONG.  But neither here nor there. 

I'm sitting there eating our appetizer of stale chips and weak salsa. And I drop a chip. 

I look on the floor. Not there. 

Look on the table. Nope.

I look between my legs. Still nothing. 

So I do what any other like minded individual would do, I reach for another chip thinking maybe I was losing my mind about having dropped a chip. Until I go to stuff another one in my mouth, and VOILA! There is the lost chip, right on the top shelf perched on my shirt between both boobs. 

I quickly extract the Lost Chip from no man's land and glance up to see if Hubby is watching. What do you think? 

Busted! He chuckles and says "I was watching you to see if you would find that chip."

"Really? You're watching me search for a chip that is sitting on my tits? Thanks babe!"

Lucky for me he decided that motor boating my boobs wasn't appropriate in a restaurant. ;)

Do you have a funny Top Shelf Food story? Please share! I would love to hear that I am not the only one dropping all kinds of crap onto my chest. 

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  1. From the title of this post I thought that Top Shelf food was like top shelf booze. I don't have a top shelf so when I drop food down there it just falls out the other side....kind of looks like I am pooping food from my belly button.

  2. LOL :) I wish my boobs would poop the food. They store it for the winter. Good thing I shower daily or who knows what I would harvest down there! ;)