Hello Out there in WebLand! How is everyone fairing today?
I've had better days. Way better days.
Today felt like a terrible Broadway production that you just can't stop watching. Or maybe that's a train wreck. Either one, I felt like I was spectating the director of my life thinking "CUT! CUT! You're doing it all wrong!"
So here is how it went down.
Get outta bed! Sore as shit! Because someone in my dysfunctional WTF brain I thought it would be WAAAAAYYY cool to go on a 13 km (7+ miles) hike with the Boy Scouts this weekend, in the cold, wet raining mess that was Saturday. So I was aching in places that didn't make sense, like the back of my right knee. Really? WTF?
At any rate I had it in my head when I went to bed that I was wearing green and white to commemorate the Sandy Hook lives. But I was having one of those mornings. You know those mornings when you start off thinking you are going to wear one thing and then realize you look, not like a cow, but a lactating cow. So yea, welcome to Monday Mel, stay awhile. Talk about joyful.
Then one look in the mirror and I knew it wasn't a temporary suckage, it was an all day type of suckiness. Swollen eyes.
My eyes were swollen to the point that make up was only going to enhance the swell, really distinguish the puffiness that was my upper lid. Yesterday the Princess and I watched The Perks of being a Wallflower, and whatta tear jerker that was. Sprinkle in some allergies and a good hearty cry over the Newtown tragedy and well that was a recipe for a good ol' cry.
Not done yet, haven't left the house even.
Enter in coffee pot, stage left. Fuckers empty and I don't have time to make it.
Enter in Bear, stage right. Lost his key, missed the bus, needs ride to school.
Enter rain, center stage. Just enough rain to get him soaked on his small walk from where I had to drop him off to the middle school.
Then I get into the classroom, running late mind you, and a student starts talking about the shootings on Friday. I lost it!
I started crying in front of the class. Uggh! :(
I had to step outside and compose myself, which only worked momentarily, until the same student came out with tissues and an offer of a hug. Then I was crying all over again in the classroom. The kids were great and very thoughtful as I babbled what was wrong and how I was feeling. Did I mention that I slipped and used the word "asshole" when referring to the shooter. Thank Jesus they are high schoolers, and that word is part of their daily vernacular. That could have ended ugly today.Sheew!
I feel badly about displaying so much emotion to them, but maybe it will humanize them. Maybe it humanizes me as a teacher. I don't know.
I just can't stop thinking about losing a child. From the kindergarteners to the 26 yo teacher, there are Moms & Dads mourning the loss of their child right now as I type this in the comfort of my home with both of my children safe here.
Am I the only one that feels like one big exposed, raw, emotional nerve?
I started thinking about my daughter leaving to college, and that started the water works again. WTF?
I can't stop hugging and loving on my children.
I know that I will move on from this emotional-ness and it won't be so raw in a few days, but for those Moms & Dads they will never move on. They will learn to live with the grief, to make it bearable.
So when I come full circle to what a shitty Monday I had, I still have it better than others out there. Life is about perspective and I need remind myself of that every day.
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