Stay Tuned!

So Volleyball is over. Life will settle down, and I can start blogging again. I can't tell you how happy that makes me! Be ready.... so much shit has happened and I need perspective and who better than the internet to help you right your thoughts! LOL Anyways.... I will be started the writing process again.... just you wait and see! WOO HOO!

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Crazy Life

I love my blog. I love blogging. It makes me feel good. I don't know why. Maybe its the diary aspect of it. Maybe its the social media sense of validation I get from it. I don't pretend to know. I just know that my life has been a crazy friggin' mess lately and I haven't had a chance to blog, which in turn makes me unhappy. Yes UN-happy. The act of UN-doing something.... so I was happy and now I am UN-happy. I really need to make time to blog, but how does one do that when I have to schedule in rest time? If I didn't purposely make time to unwind I would be going, going, going like the bunny. You know the bunny. 

Hopefully in two weeks when I end my coaching season, and Bear ends his soccer season I will have more time to do what I like... blog. Until then, this will have to provide a small snippet of happy. :)

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Little time, little post

So  it's been awhile. I know. Truth is I have so much I want to write about but so little time. I wanted to get back here and write about our awesome cruise! I wanted to pour out all the wonderful fun we had as a family and the quiet moments hubby and I had together.

But I never did. 

I wanted to write about my new job! I am teaching again. WHOOP WHOOP! I wanted to share how I love the kids, which I usually do. However my jury is still out on how the district runs things. There are things that need changing, but I am not there to rock ANY boats because I would like to teach again next year and I am temporary right now. So mums the word!

But I never wrote about it. 

I wanted to write about my Bear starting Middle School. About how he loves it! He said he loves the "independence" and let me not forget "they actually give us real portions in lunch." Yes he is an eater! 

But I never stopped by to write about it. 

I wanted to pour out my angst about the Princess starting her Senior Year of high school. I wanted to share how she is looking at the Army Reserves or ROTC in order to help pay for college. I wanted to write about looking through her old pictures and sitting there finding her First Day of Kindergarten picture and crying. I wanted to write about getting her Senior pictures done and how I already miss her. 

But I didn't.

I wanted to share that I am coaching again, JV Volleyball. I haven't coached since I was teaching in North Carolina about 8 years. It has been an amazing experience and most days I love it. Other days I wonder what in the hell was I thinking. Our kickoff weekend is this Saturday, and I wanted to share my anxiety over that. 

But I haven't really had time. 

I wanted to write about Bear getting back into soccer and loving it. I wanted to write about his desire to start Religious Ed classes and how I plan to sign him up... but haven't gotten to it yet. Is that bad? Never mind... I just haven't had time. 

*deep sigh*

There are so many things that I want to share with my blog. Not because my life is so much more important than anyone else's but because it matters to me. And this blog is FOR me, ABOUT me and it makes me feel better to get it out. 

So maybe I will try to come back here and start and finish a whole post about one of the burning topics I mentioned or one of the 10,000 other things I have going on right now. 

Hell, maybe a quick summary of what's going on will have to be my fix for now. 

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I'm losing it, or maybe I never had it to begin with

This is not the vacation post I promised. I have a situation for which I need assistance, advice or really just a plain reality check on. I need someone with the similar life experiences to tell me that I am not fucking losing my mind here. Here is my scenario:

It's Sunday. Got a day planned at the lake with friends. Oldest child (Princess) has to work. 

I plan my schedule so that I can take said child to work at 12:45 for a 1:00pm shift, then head off to the lake. 

Said child gets off from work at 9-9:30 depending on closing routine. Got it. 

Blah Blah Blah, Lake, fun, hot, Blah Blah Blah home by 6:00pm

Child texts me at 9:15 or so, needs ride home. 

Head out to pick up said child. 

Arrive at work location to find child dressed in a short, revealing dress with wedges on (heels). No, this is not her work uniform, which by the way I dropped said child off to work in. Said child works in food service industry where uniform is required. 

I ask said child "Where's your uniform?" and "Why are you in a dress?" 

(insert excuses here about not sure when we were arriving home, maybe we would be out until late, not sure if she would need to get a ride home, she packed these clothes this morning when she didn't know what was going on)

Ummm... ride home? Packed clothes this morning? Huh? Not of it makes any sense.

We told her that we would be there to get her from work. Who stays at a lake until 9:00pm on a Sunday night? Who changes after a supposed 9+ hr shift into clean clothes smelling of fried food and sweat?

Child gets defensive. Says she'll bring me her time card to show me she was at work. I asked: "When did simple questions become an issue?" 

Wait! I know! I know! WHEN YOU STARTING LYING TO US!  (No I didn't say this, just the thought that passed between hubby and I as we looked at each in the car)

Yes! That's it! I believe I have the right to be suspicious and untrusting when you exercised your right to be deceitful. 

Best part is still yet to come. What part of the internet does this generation not understand? I know that when I post this blog entry, the entire WORLD could potentially read it (I said potentially, but probably only about 10 will actually read it). I know that this information is out there and regardless of whether I delete this post, ever, it is saved on some far far away server for perpetuity. I get that too!

This generation, Now as I call it, doesn't get it. As many times as she has been busted by Facebook posts, pictures and Tweets you think she would learn. NOPE! 

She tweets: "I can not wait to not live with you anymore. #psycho #getmeoutofhere"

Really? Really? Ungrateful ass! We just came back from a 12 day Mediterranean Cruise, and you can't wait to leave here? Seriously? Stick a fork in me...I'm done, well done. Overcooked. Burnt. 

Oh and then.... same kid who hasn't lifted a finger to take an SAT or study for one, despite having a $40+ book she "had to have." Same kid who wanted to talk to a recruiter and was all gung ho about the Reserves, who hasn't emailed or done anything towards that end either. Same kid who let her grades slip her junior year (one D and one C), her friggin' junior year! She tells me that she is getting information from Duke. HAH! Duke? Duke! She has never mentioned it in the 3 years she has been in high school!

For starters Dear Heart, you don't get into Duke on whim. You plan for Duke. You work for Duke. You don't fall into Duke by accident, it's by design. Never mind the cost! Without scholarships, we couldn't afford the housing never mind the tuition! So when I giggled because of the absurdity of this, she gets indignant and thinks I am not supportive. 

Really? And yes...that merited a Tweet as well. I think I got a hashtag of fuck off. Maybe it's time to take away the social media sites. 

As I look back on what I did right and what I did wrong in parenting, I know one thing to be certain: I gave too much. 

I never thought that could be the case growing up with little attention, affection and general understanding from my parents. They were always so wrapped up in their lives to be selfless enough for me. So I grew up getting what I wanted through hard work, hard knocks and hard times. I don't begrudge them. They did the best they could with what they had to give emotionally. 

But I swore not to be like that. I vowed to do better. And I thought I had, but there are moments and situations when I know I gave too much. And one word comes to mind: overprivileged. 

Now I don't how to fix it, or if I can. Most would say I am reaping what I sowed, and while that may be the case I am not throwing in the towel. 

There is a cool wind blowing and it's bringing change along with it, and I don't mean Obamacare. 

For now, I just need a sanity check. Please tell me that I haven't lost touch with reality. Tell me that it gets better. That some day I will actually miss her not living with us, and that I will miss these days. Ok well not these particular days, but the good days.  Someone tell me that she will look back and realize that she didn't have it so friggin' bad.  Someone just tell me that I will get through this next year, her senior year. 

Please. Anyone.

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